Harsh Realities...

Pessimistic....undependable....selfish....unhappy....struggling....stand-offish. Characteristics I once disliked so much in other people and other friends.....characteristics I now possess. Harsh realities are hard to face. I almost didn't write this...not because I was afraid everyone would read it (b/c there probably aren't many that will)...but b/c seeing those qualities written down in front of me is hard to admit to. Who wants to admit that these characteristics are what you have become?

I've always known that stress tends to bring out the not so desirable side of me. I realize that this may be true of everyone, but for me it seems like it is just amplified. I tend to hold my stress in...to keep it to myself b/c I don't want to burden others with it. Since moving to Dallas, my stress has seemed to be more than I've ever experienced and honestly in most instances, more than I can handle. I've realized that this stress has caused me to be an unreliable friend, an emotional daughter, a distant sister, and a pessimistic and uncaring stranger. I've grown to where I resent my job because of this...for being the one thing that brings all the worst parts of me out. I've been like this since school began and I'm sooo tired of being this way.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I realized what I've been doing wrong....I've been trying to do it on my own. Why do I have such a hard time giving this stuff over to God? This whole time I've been trying to carry this burden and stress on my own shoulders. In my mind, I guess I really thought I could do it....I could handle everything without anyone's help. Wrong again. I feel like God is ALWAYS having to remind me of truths and promises that I've known for so many years. I tend to blame it on the stubbornness my dad passed onto me at birth! God has never promised us the easy way for the rest of our lives....He's promised us that He will be by our sides through every part of the journey though...good and bad. "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5. I just wish that during the hardest of times I would be the one who trusted God fully through it. Instead, I'm the one who sees a hardship and tries even harder to handle it on my own.

I pray that as the weeks and months go on, I begin to loosen that controlling grip in my life, give my burdens and hardships over to God, and allow God to mold me and change these undesirable qualities into ones that are more like Him..not only for my sake...but also for all of my friends and family as well!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~Matthew 11:28-30~